Ep #111 Resting Without Guilt

Taking a break. It sounds great! By why is it so filled with guilt?

By the end of this episode, you're going to reclaim your right to rest.

Feeling guilty about resting? Caught up in the grind of endless productivity? Our capitalist society has us believing that our worth equates to how much we're doing, but it's time we debunked this myth. This episode explores the importance of taking breaks without guilt and letting go of the pressure to make rest another form of self-improvement. Through a raw discussion of my personal struggles with overworking, we question the hustle culture and remind you that your value is not determined by productivity. So, take a breathe, relax, and remember rest is about simply being.

I'm looking forward to my own rest now as we close out the year. And I look forward to spending time with you in the new year!

Thank you for supporting the mission through your monthly contribution and by inviting your friends.

Remember, your value does not come from what you do or how much you do. Your value comes from who you are.

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• Episode Transcript

  Coach Alex Ray: 0:25

  Hello, my unicorns, welcome back. In today's episode, we're going to talk about resting without guilt, or taking a break. And look, I know that resting or taking a break is hard. In our Capitalistic Society, we're taught to think of time as money at least, at least those of us that are not on the top and we're also left with money being a main source of security. So time off or time resting is less secure and leads to us having more worry and more anxiety Sounds like the opposite of confidence to me. How about you? So I and many of my clients have had a really hard time taking a break, and I'm going to guess that this is probably your experience too. One of the things that I often hear with breaks is the worry about doing it right. That rest has to somehow be the right kind of rest. Rest, like if you're not reading or doing yoga or journaling, something that's like self-development, self-improvement related, then it's not a good enough rest, and I just want to let you know that that is fucking bullshit that is programmed into us. That is the productivity goblin monster. Whatever A break or a rest is not about being perfect or doing it right. That's not rest, that's more work. So we need to drop that, my friend. We need to drop the expectations that you have on yourself to do it right. A rest is relaxation. A rest does not have any goal other than to just be. A rest is just being. It's existing, it's breathing. It can be journaling, it can be meditation or grounding exercises. It can also be throwing barbells around in the gym or learning to do back flips, or riding your bike or your unicycle, I don't know. It can be going for a drive with no destination in mind. It can be watching a sunset. It can be walking the dog. It can be hanging out with your best friend. It can be listening to music and letting it just take you on a journey. It can be sitting in a nook and crying because you just can't keep it all together anymore. There is no right way, there is no grade, there's no pressure. Those things aren't. Rest Now. Ironically, in preparation for today's episode, I kept trying to think of some kind of profound, perfect message that I could give you, and then I realized that that's just another symptom of the problem. We don't live to work. We work as a beautiful part of life. It gives us a sense of purpose and accomplishment, but it's not the only thing. It's time to ask yourself what do you make your work or productivity mean about you? Why are you so addicted to the hustle? For me, it was because I believed that I was what I do like what I do for people. That gave me value. Now I know that that's not true. I know now that it's actually who I am that gives me value. And, my friend, that is absolutely true of you too. It is not what you do, it is not how you do it, it's not how much you do that makes you valuable as a person. No one loves you or adores you, looks up to you or wants to be your best friend or your lover because of what you do. They want to be in your glorious, amazing, iconic, one of a kind delicious. Give me more presence. They wanna be around you, they wanna be with you. They wanna be in your life because of who you are. I know that you already know that's true of other people that you wanna be around them because of who they are, not necessarily what they can do for you. It's time to just flip that on yourself and remind yourself that the same is absolutely true of you, too. Now I'll tell you from experience that, even though I know this, and even though many of my clients know this and we're working on it you're still human. I'm still human, we're still human. We still forget. We revert to old ways, and it's okay, I know. I revert to my old ways of running myself ragged, and then I have to pause and I realize, oh shit, why am I so exhausted? Oh yeah, for the last couple of weeks I've been trying to write a book in a month or less. Hell, no, let's drag it out. Let's have a little more time. Doesn't all need to be done? What is this deadline anyway? Why did I set this in the first place? Oh yeah, because that sounded like really productive, and productive equals valuable. So, fucked up, let's be done with that shit. Huh, let's at least make a commitment to being done with it, and then, when you realize that you're doing it again, just remind yourself oh yeah, it's that thing I do and let it go. So, please, permission for all of us to be imperfect at resting. Now, zooming out a bit, I also believe that rest is an essential ingredient to the life that I want. It's not actually success if I'm miserable by just working, working, working all the time, I would be absolutely drained, and that is not the life that I want. This is part of the reason that I moved to San Diego last year was because I wanted to be in a culture that would encourage me to slow down and be present with my life and enjoy things other than productivity. Also, if never resting actually was the answer to success, then I should have been a worldwide celebrity years ago. I should have been a gazillionaire by now. I should have been like done, check my whole, I don't know. Life's mission is just done, yeah, perfect, a plus. And that's obviously not the gaze. That's ridiculous and we know that. And yet many of us put the pressure on ourselves to just produce, produce, produce, do, do, do, busy, busy, busy. So I'm inviting you to try it out and take an actual break, an actual rest with me. And, speaking of my own rest, I'm taking a break from the podcast for the month of December and I'll be back in the new year. The plan next year is to release the podcast in short themed seasons. That way it will have rest built in there for me between the seasons. Each season will have a focus on a particular part of queer life and the queer journey and, if you haven't caught on yet, I am practicing what I preach. Just like I tell you, I'm treating this show as a living art project. I'm experimenting and having fun with it. So thank you for coming along with me on this journey. I'm excited to see you in the new year for more impactful solo episodes and meaningful interviews with fabulous guests. If you've been getting a lot out of the show, would you consider making a monthly pledge of just $3 to keep the project going? My birthday is in a couple days and you can make this my birthday present. I put a lot of time and money into this podcast because I love you and I care about this mission of spreading queer confidence. If you're benefiting from the show, I would love your support so we can continue the mission. The link to support the show is down in the show notes and if it's not in the budget for you, would you make sure to tell one friend about the show today? Spreading this message to support queers and becoming more confident is the purpose of this show. Big hugs to all of you, my queer unicorn family. Have a fabulous rest of 2023 and I'll see you next Tuesday, in a few Tuesdays. Bye.